just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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