Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
