Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
