I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
