I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
