i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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