I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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