at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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