we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
