You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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