Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
