we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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