on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
