you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
