Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
