Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
