He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
