I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
