just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
