just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
