I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
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