if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
