Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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