oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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