I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
