Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
