Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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