i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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