I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize