Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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