I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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