My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Randomize
