That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
