Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
