Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
