i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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