he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize