I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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