I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
