she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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