There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
