I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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