oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
