I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
