i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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