There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
