i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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