so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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