Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
