UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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