Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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