I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
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