remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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