Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize