I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
