yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize