im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
We got so high we made milksteak
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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