I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
