SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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