I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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