Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Did I show you my penis last night?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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