is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Randomize
