Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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