she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You dont lie about slip and slides
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
