Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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