I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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