How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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