the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
