rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
